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She Woke Up

Psalms 147: 3 He heals the broken hearted and binds their wounds.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Depression: (Noun) The fear of despondency and dejection

PTSD (Noun) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

The feeling was exhilarating and scary at the same time. The fog lifted; she could see again but what was she seeing for the first time?

A mess left in the quake of her depression. Seeing her children again for the first time in years. What did she miss?

Graduations, weddings, celebrations and births but how could this be? She sees a glimpse of her daughter, the last time she saw her daughter she was about 5 graduating from pre-school. She is wearing the same dress, red, white checkered dress, with the letters A B C across the top. A proud moment; her oldest was going onto kindergarten. Now, her daughter has graduated from high school, married a young Marine; moved away and started a family.. This was only one child; they were three affected by this quake before she knew it the precious eight year old already had his future Military career in the works, she remembers the Lego planes in his bedroom; his dream of being in Air Force and before she knew he was gone. Graduated college and now a striking young officer proudly serving his country. Then the youngest was home; he was thinking what in the world did they do; the left me with her! He had a plan, he found his love at a church event but he heard the call to serve. He wanted to be like those others in our family he wanted to serve so, he joined the Marine Corp and short time later married the love of his life. Sure she was there for the picture moments, the smiles, the congratulations and the “oh how proud you must be” comment from those attending the social events of the year.

She also believed during her darkness she was maintained by a special relationship with Christ. She looks back and sees how He carried her. He held her close in His arms and when the smiled needed to be turned on it was there. He was showing her the way out of the darkness.

The day she woke up and the days to follow it was difficult for her to face. HOW?! WHY?! What in the world happened? The anger to follow “How could you allow this to happen?” Everything was a complete mess; what was she going to do next.

Facing each child and her husband who saw her at her worse yet stood solid as an oak frustrated at times but reassuring her they were not going anywhere.

The fear and anger has her running, the anxiety which pulsated through her body gave her the feeling of fight or flight so she decided she needed to stay strong and fight, the only way she would defeat the demon of depression was to face it. She wouldn’t face it alone but, it would be a challenge. She needed to WAKE UP and face the MESS!

Praying on her knees she asked God to please forgive her; asking for his grace and mercy to bring her comfort. She knows He is her redeemer and savior; He is with her at all times. Even knowing this comes the next part of this battle the anxiety she battles with PTSD, the trauma was real and but the memories are even more haunting; the trauma plays over and over in her mind. She finds at times, her mind has so much control she feels like she is walking around with a mark on her forward or more like a statement that says, “I’m Broke” waiting for repairs” Then the people will come around and pick at her, they pick at the broken parts, she feels uncomfortable when someone compliments her because she believes they have an ulterior motive and not a good one either.

The battle is just beginning for her; she won’t miss another moment of those things that are important to her but, the scars are still there. Not just the emotional scars but the physical scars of her trauma.  But she is not alone, she still has her husband; the standing oak in her corner that no matter how hard she tried to push him away he stood still on shaky ground. She has Christ; when she woke up the fire was reignited in her heart and soul.  Her children, the conversations with her children were the beginning of new memories and them reminding her of the ones she missed; the love and forgiveness which followed. The transformation  was so powerful for the first 5 days she was talking non stop; acquainting herself with those important in her life.

She looks for the signs of Christ in her life. She found them He will place on her heart a scripture one that reminders her that HE is with her. He reminds her the path to healing is also forgiving. What does this mean for her next path; going one by one to those closest to her and asking for forgiveness.  Working through hard work with therapy and identifying who she is for the first time. Not being defined by one tragic moment or several moments in history. But, by shedding the anger, bitterness and learning to combat the negative with the good.

She will walk with the diagnosis of Depression, Social Anxiety and PTSD however she will not allow it to define who she is as a person! She takes the courage and face each day with love and joy in her life. Not taking another moment for granted.

 

 

 

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She Will Find Him

Isaiah 58:11 (NIV)

The Lord will guide you always; 

        he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land 

        and will strengthen your frame. 

You will be like a well watered garden, 

        like a spring whose water never fail.

As I read this scripture I am going to tell a story; she was looking for the one thing only the Lord could give her. She finds the strength she needs by finding unconditional love of her 3 children and a man the Lord brought into her life.

The Lord will guide you always;

She was young on the inside she always had so much turmoil. She always looked up to the only man she knew in her life for reassurance; her father. Whenever she thought she was on the verge of winning favor the little confidence she did have it was taken away. Apparently it was felt taking away confidence in a young eager to please child was a way to build character.

One day she would become a mom. She would  work hard to be a mom who builds character and not tear down. But what she didn’t realize was she wouldn’t be alone raising her three children; a very precocious eight year old would introduce Christ to her and her sons. By following her daughter’s lead she would learn to allow the Lord to guide her in life.

He will satisfy your needs in the sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.

Tired and emotionally exhausted; every muscle ached, she had no where else to draw strength; three little ones looked so lovingly in her eyes eager to have some undivided attention. In this moment she drifts away dreaming of a time there would be another in her life; someone who was strong and would be an example to her children of what unconditional love really means. 

She was alone, no faith and her trust account was empty. Anyone she would or could turn to found one way or another to hurt her. When she looked into her she daughter’s hazel eyes; she would pray for the day she would be a strong young woman; she would find the true meaning of love. Her mom couldn’t teach her afterall, what did she know of love. She was broken; she would work day and night to provide to the point at times she would feel like the sun-scorched land. 

She would be saved, she learned to become the strong woman her children could look up to and be proud to call mom. The Lord knew she was tired; she knew the only place to draw strength from was the Lord. He was able to give her new life with this new found relationship. Now she remembers even though she is tired the Lord has given her renewed strength to rise above and trust him.

You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose water never fails.

As she continues to grow and walk in her faith; she reflects on the moment she is reminded that no matter the luggage life has brought her;  in her heart she loves her children and strives to be the best mother to those 3 little ones.

At the time she doesn’t realize God would introduce her to a man who would walk with her in her relationship with Christ and join her in raising her 3 little ones. He developed an unconditional love for her along with her children. He would become this example of what love looks like; through the good and bad. He would be the example to her sons on what love should look like for the day when they would decide to marry.  He would build character in her children; teach them the bible along with history. So on those long strenuous days he would build her up and pick up the slack. He eventually becomes a second rock in her life. He leads by example, reminds her of how important she is not only in his life but in the life of 3 little children.  The Lord allowed him to bring life back into her, finally she learned about true love.

No matter the road she was on, she allowed God to guide her. He made her stronger by satisfying her needs. As she continues to satisfy her thirst for the word of the Lord she will continue to be awakened and grow like the garden.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)

Though one may be overpowered,

  Two can defend themselves.

A cord of  three strands is not quickly broken.

Hands wrapped by a piece of cloth reminds us as long as they are walking with Christ hand in hand no man can separate.