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Be Strong & Courageous-Hanging on a Ledge

**** Warning may cause triggers with the mention of Suicide in this article.****

If you or someone you love suffers from suicidal thoughts reach out to 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988lifeline.org check your local state for additional resources.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV) Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

The pain was indescribable, from the throbbing headache, chronic fatigue, constant ringing ears and the sharp stabbing pain throughout my entire body. I had been living with this since January. I remember going to see the doctor and being told to increase my water intake and they added another blood pressure medication. I was completely exhausted from being in so much pain. Then, I had another doctor appointment and the same experience as before,  the provider wasn’t listening to my concerns or understanding the immense pain I was enduring. I felt completely defeated; I was done! Yes, I was done! 

March 23, 2022; I will never forget the day; I was just hanging on the ledge by my fingertips. I was anxious and during that time the question, “Why am I even alive if no one was willing to listen to my voice. Since no one was listening to me this created a huge block in my mind. I allowed my mind to go to the darkest of places; I was done;  I was hanging on the ledge ready to let go.

I was emotionally, spiritually and physically drained from all the pain. Throughout the day I was having uncontrollable bouts of tears streaming down my face.  That day, I had talked to both of my sisters. (my sisters are my people.) They both encouraged me to reach out to my resources. They insisted I contact my therapist and get an appointment with her. What they wanted was for me to get help. They demonstrated unconditional love, mercy and grace; they listened to my pain and provided empathy and understanding. 

After I got done speaking to my sisters I called my therapist office and guess what? They had an appointment available for me at 4:00p. I was sitting there with tears still coming down my face wondering what am I going to do until 4:00. Then I remembered I needed to reach our employers’ Employee Assistance Program (EAP). I talked to a lovely person. They heard the pain in my voice, they kept asking what they could do to help. I knew in my mind I would never end my life by my own hand. I experienced what it was like to have someone close to me die by Suicide. I am fully aware of the emotional toll death by suicide can create for loved ones. The person from EAP asked me 1 question, “do you want to die because of the physical pain or because you are done living?” I answered because of the physical pain and also because no one was listening to me.  This person helped me back off the ledge, she explained to me that because of my physical pain was the reason why I didn’t want to live. She reassured me that I was not suicidal. The person from EAP then asked me, “what can I do to help you in this time and in this moment?” I expressed, they had done it already; this person had listened to me; she empathized with me and assisted me in getting therapy sessions set up with my personal therapist. 

I could feel all the emotions lifting off my shoulders. (didn’t realize how heavy the weight of emotions could be until that moment.) I could finally breathe again.  The pain was still there but it was a little bit more tolerable and the anxiety-it was gone. A few days later I received a handwritten letter from the EAP person who assisted me. She thanked me for sharing my story with her and encouraging me to remember,  I was not alone.

Another appointment was coming up and this time I wasn’t alone. I brought my support with me; my husband. This time I was being seen by my pain clinic provider. The nurses in the pain clinic and the provider were very empathetic and understanding. When the nurse was checking me in the question was asked; If I had thoughts of suicide? I answered yes. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I didn’t see the look on my husband’s face but I can only imagine it was one of shock. I then explained; my reason for answering yes. As a result of the amount of pain I was in I wanted to be done. The follow up question is always about a plan, “do you have a plan?”  I answered no, I do not have a plan. That was when they knew I would be okay and not require psychiatric admission.

The provider listened to me,  she explained to me I didn’t have complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) like 2 previous providers thought I had. I told her I knew I didn’t have CRPS and that I felt one of my problems was the tendon on my ankle was torn. She said I was right and she was going to refer me to the orthopedic surgeon to have my ankle further evaluated. A relief; wow! Again, the weight of the emotions lifted off my shoulders and just to have affirmation that there was something wrong was a relief. Someone was listening to me. She then proceeded to suggest I see an additional pain clinic provider that was going to help evaluate the rest of my physical pain. But I had to have a referral from my primary care provider to see the new pain clinic provider. 

I was still breaking down and crying awaiting the new appointment with my primary care provider and the pain clinic. 

I got my referral to the pain clinic provider and after the appointment I became upset. The nurse had come in to check me out and indicated to me that the pain clinic provider believes I was experiencing a Multiple Sclerosis (MS) episode. Keep in mind, this is  based on my 1st appointment with this provider. So, I had to get an MRI of my brain.  These types of tests are to be used to rule out or to help draw conclusions for a proper diagnosis. Fortunately, this test revealed no lesions on my brain; however, I was still in complete physical pain with no solutions but, I was given reassurance this provider was going to help me get to the bottom of what was going on with me. What we do know, we cannot rule out MS yet. Based on what has happened a full diagnosis of MS could take 2-3 years. We have been assured I definitely have an autoimmune disease. 

I was still hurting, completely emotionally, spiritually & physically drained. I was alone, my husband couldn’t comprehend what was going on with me. No one from the congregation we belonged to was just checking to see how we were doing. I was hurt and disappointed. I finally reached out to my online Facebook group. I just poured it out, I let this group of ladies pray for me. They are from all over the country and I trusted them so much that I asked them to pray for me and with me. They always demonstrated unconditional love, grace and mercy at all times. They have a Christ-like love without judgment.

I knew there was something still missing within.  It was my relationship with Christ. I had lost my faith and trust in people doing the right thing and by doing this, I walked away from Christ and didn’t even realize what I had done. It wasn’t until one day at work; I was asked if my relationship with Christ had changed since I had started working? I was not offended by the question, it actually made me think. I reflected back on the past 18 months and thought to myself Yes, I have been separated from Christ through this whole ordeal.  Again, I walked away. By walking away from Christ this allowed my mind to go to the darkest corner of my mind.

Why do we walk away from Christ when we need to have that relationship the most? There are several reasons: 1) being let down by people. 2) I was ashamed because; I realized we should be walking along with Christ in all times good and bad. 3)Then I behave with such pride and arrogance that I’m going to figure things out for myself. We are going to get the answers we need and we will do it all on our own. 

I sat and looked at myself; the behaviors I  saw were disappointment, being ashamed and full of pride.  Once I had made my post on the online FB group for prayers my dear sister in Christ called me. She talked me through the emotional, spiritual and physical pain I was feeling. She helped me realize, if we don’t ask for help no one will respond or will help.  I needed to use my voice to speak up. She helped me realize, I am not a burden. Then, she prayed with me on the phone. She helped the holy spirit within me to reignite. She demonstrated Christ Love-unconditional love, grace and mercy-helped guide me back to my relationship with Christ.

Who is your 1 in 4 people you can contact when you are in a crisis? The person you can reach out to and realize they are not going to judge you, but they will demonstrate unconditional love, grace and mercy. Who is this person?

I have learned:

  1. Use your voice to advocate for yourself medically or no one will  advocate for you.
  2. Check with your employer to see if they have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to assist you in a time of need.
  3. Find the individuals in your tribe you can reach out to for help and support.  (See attached worksheet)
    1. Family-
    2. Friends-
    3. Therapist-
    4. Church Family- If you are not connected to a church, find one. 
    5. Online Family-
  4. Physical pain sucks; it creates a triple threat with a person emotionally, spiritually & Physically. If we don’t manage self care properly each of these areas will suffer.
  5. God’s emergency numbers. What is your go to scripture to give you the best comfort and peace in the meantime. My Scripture is Psalm 23.(See attached list of scriptures you can use incase of an emergency)
  6. Even in the darkest and murkiest of times; I wasn’t alone. All the time Christ was carrying me through these storms and murky moments. He was allowing me to become more aware of him during this time. He was showing me that I had the strength and courage to be the child He has always intended me to be.  Remember what Joshua 1:9, we are to be strong & courageous. Don’t be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will always be with you wherever you go.

I found the other side of the darkness, I had to humble myself and realize I couldn’t go through this alone. I needed someone else to pray for me not just for me but with me to help me see the light of Christ again. To realize the balance comes with being emotionally, spiritually and physically balanced each is tied together. 

This is where I’m at now, I’m still awaiting another appointment, another referral and more tests in addition to all of the different medications I have been placed on. I had surgery to repair my tendon on my ankle and have been on medical leave. This time of reflection and spiritual renewal has given me time to realize my priorities.  I no longer feel defeated, as I wait for a diagnosis. I have been working on “Self-Care” taking care of me, working on a plan for my future and learning how to cope emotionally with my pain. Reminding myself, to never walk away from Christ.  

Who is your 1 in 4? Attached is a link to a google worksheet to help create your list of contacts in case of an urgent situation. Along with that is a referral of scriptures for when you are… Print and add your list of names, phone numbers & emails for your tribe/your circle. Keep it in a safe place that is readily available to be used.

Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV) Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1zhNJL2Z4P7xMcwYlFBHc7NYA999KcTtNuhlSg-xbQMI/edit?usp=sharing

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“Bring it to me.” Says the Lord

 

I am reminded, when I bring the hard and difficult challenges in life, I am telling our Lord, “I trust you.”  I trust there will be a plan. 

I wrote this a few years ago. I have shared this with some pretty special people in my life. Now is the time to share it publically.


Bring your sorrow to me
I will find you rest during your time of grief.
Bring your joy to me,
We will celebrate in your happiness together.
Bring your brokenness to me,
I will help you put the pieces together.
Bring your unbrokenness to me,
together we will share in the joy of healing.
Bring your tiredness to me,
I will give you rest.
Bring your motivation to me,
together let’s see what we can accomplish together
Bring your worries to me,
I will give you peace
Bring you care free days to me,
we will worship together.
Bring all things bad and good to me,
to show we walk together.
2 Timothy 4:17

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Stop the Fear

“There is no more devastating blow against evil then when a human being choose God in the Face of suffering, disappointment, unbelief, chronic pain, frustration, abandonment… before the circumstances change, to get up and proclaim that GOD IS GOOD is a devastating blow to evil.” -John Eldredge

Surrender to Him

Trust in Him

On our knees

Praying to Him.

The chaos ensues and we have forgotten who, what and where we are.  All sense of “common sense” is gone. We have lost all of our own way of being. We lost the sense of it being okay to be an individual; after all, who would want to deal with everyone being the same?

My mind, heart and soul cries for the family and friends of George Floyd. My place has and never will be a place of judgement but a place of respect- I found myself in the very recesses of placing judgement, making threats of anger for the injustice that was done to this man. Then I realized I was wrong-I am human with flaws but the true change comes when we take time to look at our own selves and realize; what can I change? How do I make a difference when there is so many injustices in the world going on?

We were all created with magnificent characteristics. There is a plan however, when we close our eyes to the injustice of the world and don’t want to give to respect and understand each other because the enemy of this world tells it’s not okay for us to be different because he is counting on us to be afraid. Having fear of what we don’t know.

Fight each other

Eliminate each other

Adversaries to each other

Rebuke each other

Fear=Lies

What do we need to recognize is that cooler heads need to prevail. The things we are seeing around our country is the result of the enemy telling us time and time again we need to fight in order to have true justice.

God is allowing our free choice to influence the decisions we make-So when it comes right down to it do we STOP or FEAR? The choice is for each one of us to make. Me personally, I’m choosing to STOP. I want my relationship to grow in Christ so I can wipe away the fear.

I do not and will never pretend to always have the answers,  I do know I need to first turn my fears into surrendering, trusting and going to my knees to pray for God to be in control then ask him to guide and direct me to break free of the fear. So with his strength I will have peace, understanding and courage to get to know and understand who the person is to the left or the right of me regardless of race, politics or religion. This will allow me to grow and have respect for them. I’m not the judge, there is only One and I believe that when He gave His only begotten son He encouraged us to “love our neighbor” not to stir up more injustices or lack of respect for one another.

So when facing fear, I focus on HIS word.

Psalm 61:2-3 (NIV) 2) From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 3) For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.

Count on God to help us pull ourselves from whatever fear it is we have.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Don’t be discouraged, He is always with us. When we surrender and trust; we gain strength from him.

Isaiah 58:9a  Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I

Turning to him for the HELP! we need HIS help in ALL things!!

Lord,

At this time I surrender to you, give you praise glory and honor upon you; you are my savior and redeemer. You are the king of kings; the alpha and the omega! You are everything because I know in my heart without you I am nothing.

Lord, this unsettling and unrest in our country is tearing us apart. Lord, in the name of Jesus Christ I ask for you to heal us, heal our heart, help us to right the injustices of this world. Anoint the spiritual leaders to become your vessel to make the wrongs; right again. Lord, In your hands I place the family and friends of George Floyd even through the uncertainty because of the riots going on I ask that you please Lord help them to heal! Place your shroud of protection upon them and comfort them.  Please stop the riots from happening so the healing can begin. We ask for your spiritual protection upon our country Lord.

Please Lord!! You are the great God of redemption, healing, the great physician; make these wrongs right! We lift our hearts you for the healing to begin! Through your Son’s holy and precious name Christ Jesus-Amen.

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Turn off the Noise

Psalms 28:7 The Lord is my strength, and my shield; my heart trusts, in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

There is so much chaos that surrounds us in a day, we have a tendency to listen to all the noise or negative thoughts running through our minds. The enemy uses this noise or negative thoughts as a whisper in our mind telling us negative things about ourselves, reminders of the darkness that consumes us in a direction which leads us away from our relationship with Christ.

What voice are you going to listen to? Are we going to rely on the constant negative thoughts the enemy likes to consume our mind with or draw on the strength of the Lord and remember allow your heart to trust in him.

An example of some of my top thoughts; I will never be good enough; I will fail; then when the anxiety and depression sets in, the activity in the mind becomes almost paralyzing. It tells me if I was gone today I will not be missed. Every time I get a phone call from my boss, the thought use to be oh crap what did I do wrong now. I continue to battle the inner child voice of never being able to measure up.

Then through years of faith, patience, tears, frustration I slowly began to turn the noise in my mind off and returning to place my faith and trust in the Lord. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trust in him and he helps me, my heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. This scripture in Psalms tells us where our trust should be placed. The only thing that can turn off the voice in our minds is to trust in the Lord and allow the Word to become our shield.

The voice you believe will determine the future you experience. How?

Well, our mind is the battle field the enemy likes to make war within us. It is the enemy’s favorite playground. He enjoys the battle in our minds especially when we are drawing closer in a relationship with Christ. So often we have conflict within ourselves we don’t even stop to realize the battle is raging within. The battle between good thoughts and the negative whispers of the evil one.

How do we continue to feed our mind with positive influences? How about those individuals we surround ourselves with? We come to church for worship and fellowship with other believers. So how about submerging ourselves with devotions, bible studies, prayer time, other fellow believers. By sharpening our tools this prepares us to combat the negative talk of the enemy. This also prepares us to become more of a witness to those who are nonbelievers.

God’s intentions are not for us to live in isolation He wants us to be able to witness and become disciples of this world to share the good news of His kingdom. What does Philippians 4:13 tell us? I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. Where does the strength come from? It comes when we engage in a relationship and trust in the Lord.

Continue reading → Turn off the Noise

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Worship Is An Experience

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters , in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-This is your true and proper worship. 2) Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind/ Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.

What do you think of when you hear the word WORSHIP? Right now we are all in church here to show our praise and glory for the LORD. So immediately we think of being in church. But let’s take this a little step further.

The definition of Worship means: (Verb) to honor or show reverence for as a divine being or supernatural power. (Noun) reverence offered a divine being or supernatural power also : an act of expressing such reverence

Reverence is to show a deep respect; so let’s come to the LORD as a family and experience the true meaning of worship. To do this we need to learn how to be come one as a congregation and be the living sacrifice and to allow the message about Christ and all He has to offer to fill our lives each day. Colossians 3:16 Let the message of Christ, dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit, sing to GOD with gratitude in your hearts. Paul is describing to the church of Colossae to be people who are thankful, and be prepared to worship wholeheartedly. When we have gratitude in our heart it will open our heart to God’s peace and this will enable us to become the love he desires us to be. So each day let’s prepare our hearts for worship. How can we do this in our everyday life? Let’s start by taking inventory of our hearts as we prepare each day. Relationships, gifts, family and material possessions we have. By doing this each day we are preparing for Sunday as we come together to worship, making Sunday our day of celebration with the Lord, through songs of praise, lessons being taught, spiritual gifts being shared, financial gifts being shared, words of wisdom and encouragement given to one another as we pass the peace of Christ. Then we become the Living Sacrifice as described in Romans 12:1.

Each and every one of us are bringing something to the LORD on this day of worship; we have a desire to have a relationship with the LORD and continue to build on our relationship.

When I received this message from the Lord, through prayer and reflection I was thinking, WORSHIP?!? What do you want me to say about Worship? Then one night I prayed again, asking for HIS knowledge to help guide and direct me; I already had my scripture in mind so I kept praying and praying over the scripture when I finally received the wisdom from the Lord. I woke up and I was so excited, I kept saying over and over again, Worship is an experience not an obligation; a way to show reverence and praise to the Lord; a sacrifice of ourselves to the LORD. During my reading and research I also discovered there are 7 different ways to express yourself in worship.

1. Barak to kneel, to bless God, to bow down. It means to bow down or kneel before the Lord, it communicates that the Lord holds a place of importance and helps us remember just how great He is. (There will be times during communion when someone may be led to come to the kneeling rail and be in communion with the Lord through prayer.)

2. Halal to be clear, to shine, to boast, to show, to rave, to celebrate, to be clamorous foolish. In the old testament Halal is a form of worship mentioned 110 times. (Kind of sounds like a birthday celebration for an excited child. Just imagine how the Lord feels when He would hear the noise we can all make about him and all his glorious wonders.)

3. Shabach to shout loudly, to command its focus is to worship the Lord with one’s whole being. (And all the people responded AMEN! When you hear a message or a thought-provoking message which touched your heart wants to say AMEN!! Hallelujah!! Praise and Glory to the LORD!)

4. Tehillah to Sing praises, singing out of the spirit spontaneously. Sing unrehearsed, unplanned praises to the Lord. It can include adding words to an existing song or even singing in the spirit of the Lord. (During intensified prayer group, I have found myself humming, the song Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now I am found. Displaying in the moment of adoration and praise to the LORD.)

5. Towdah extending hands, acting out of thanksgiving for what has or will be done (Psalms 50:23 Those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me, and to the blameless I will show my salvation. What a blessed way to express ourselves with our hand lifting them up to give glory and praise, honor to our Lord and Savior for what has been or will be done)

6. Yadah extending the hand vigorously (be in complete surrender to the Lord, have you ever found yourself in the midst of a moment where the Lord keeps cracking at your heart, he is calling you but, you just want to go in the other direction, then all of a sudden you lift your arms and say, “I Surrender Lord, I hear your call!” During worship, we want to extending the praise and worship to the LORD, lift our hands point to the sky, place a hand on our heart so we can show an attitude of being reverent to our LORD and Savior.

7. Zamar to touch the strings, to make music with instruments mostly rejoicing. (Our Praise band and Choir leads us each Sunday morning, they have been given a gift to help lead us to bring the praises to the LORD. They prepare and share their spiritual gifts with us each week. Let’s help them out by being the hands to reach the praise and glory to the LORD let’s extend our arms and bring the praises to the LORD.)

In my lay ministry class I have 2 classmates from South Sudan, my experience with them has really opened my eyes to the ways of worship; when they bring the offering to the LORD, they are singing, dancing, clapping and rejoicing down the aisle because their sacrifice of giving to the Lord is made joyfully. Talk about making it an experience!

Take a moment, do an inventory of your heart, reflect on your day; evaluate and notice the moments where you have seen Jesus with you and times where you may have walked away or ignored the call. Then allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you and find a moment to worship the Lord. Even Saturday night as you prepare for worship on Sunday, what are you going to bring with you to turn over to Christ, what praise is your heart going to reveal? The greatest honor we can give the Lord is being the sacrifice of thanksgiving by honoring and Praising Him for ALL THINGS.

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Don’t Run from the Storm

The storm clouds roll in
I want to run, I am exhausted
One more step one long stretch
I see the sun then, again the down pour
Exhausted I cry out to the Lord, “WHY ME?”
I just want one moment of rest from the storm
I can’t focus, I am done. Yes Lord I said it I am done.
He then reminds me, “Oh Child remember it is during the storms, I carry you.”

Remember Luke 8:23-25 As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. 24) The disciples went and woke him, saying “Master, Master,” we’re going to drown? He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 25) “Where is your faith?” He asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, “Who is this? He commands even the Winds and the water and they obey him.”

I see the storm continue to swell in the sky and just in a flash I run, I don’t turn back I continue to run.

Standing in the rain with me I turn to the touch of a hand pulling me back, He whisper’s in my ear, “My child the job is not done yet. I am changing you to become my child; the path you take is very narrow you need to be sure to have all the tools needed to overcome the bigger storms we will face together. There will be the biggest Christian revival anyone will see; I am preparing my people to become strong to look within and also to trust when you feel alone it is I who have taken you from the pain. It is ME who is going to shield you from the pain. So remember to maintain the faith, the lessons and the be prepared at all times.”

Matthew 24:36 is a good reminder- “No one knows about the day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the father.”

Only the father, not even the Son. So when told me to be prepared, He wants our hearts to be purified like diamonds so our mind cannot challenge the evil which will be brought to challenge us.

Will you die in the Name of Jesus Christ, “Yes Lord, I will die in the name of Jesus Christ”
Weather the storm, He is preparing us for the revival of a life time.

Emmaus

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Find the light; to Make Our Burdens Light

John 8:12 (NIV) When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.

The darkness consumes my mind; it reminds of those times of feeling worthless. The pictures in my head of the past; the feeling of terror the thought of wanting to yell “STOP” but being paralyzed by the pain nothing comes out.

Then comes the loss of time and the feeling of not wanting to wake up again begging and pleading for the pain, the voices and the suffering to just stop please take it away from me. Nothing.

Happiness eludes me; why me? The idea of peace enters my mind then goes away again in an instant. Peace no more. Then I awaken not knowing how much more of this darkness I am able to take. I just want it to end.

Then in the moment of desperation and wanting to regain control of my life while being exhausted from not sleeping for days. I see where this is coming from. I crawl out of bed; pointing directly straight out of the house. Then I proclaim loudly, “Satan, I rebuke you from this home, from my heart and from my mind! My salvation is with my Savior Jesus Christ! I am saved for His glory; not yours! I rebuke you!”

Sheer exhaustion consumes me however there is still a battle to be fought in my mind; it just won’t shut off I decide to make it my purpose to regain what has been lost.
Time to go back to bed but again the continuation of my mind racing won’t stop. I have been fighting all day and I just want to sleep. I feel a hand on my arm; it is my husband desperately trying to keep me in bed quite aware of my exhaustion he just wants me to sleep. Then all of a sudden the break through moment begins; I am seeing the clouds of darkness shifting and the ray of light peeking through the clouds. Then begins the conversation with Jesus which should have taken place days ago begins;  I begin to pray giving Him the highest glory and honor. I am not worthy of His mercy and grace however I still receive it.

The exhaustion still consumes me in this moment of desperation I give Him praises for all of his blessings He has bestowed on me, both good and bad. Yes, the bad things in life because He continues to show me his redemption time and time again.

Then all of a sudden the feeling of my heart literally breaking in two. I don’t understand completely the circumstances of the situation I was praying for only there would be a new journey for those people I was praying for. I prayed so hard so hard for them and in the end all I could ask for was HIS WILL TO BE DONE. There is the bigger picture. His WILL be done. Then all of a sudden a peace falls upon me. The feeling of the Holy Spirit has me wrapped up and I hear His voice, “I am in control.” “I have you.” “Just sleep” my sobs were so hard it woke my husband; I reassured him I was okay. By this time I am saying aloud, “Thank you Jesus” “Thank you-“ I tell my husband to just lay here, can you feel Him, He is here with us; He is always with us; He is always faithful, He is in control; our Lord and Savior is in control. He is in control….”

Then the sleep finally came upon me finally my burden was light; I could feel the work of the Holy Spirit putting my heart back together making me stronger than I was before. Would this be the last time I encounter the darkness hard telling but, I knew in my heart Jesus had a message for me.

During this period of darkness it was scary, times of begging for peace to come upon me. But the peace came when I was completely exhausted. He allowed the darkness to remind me I need to continue to place my faith and trust in Jesus. Have the relationship with Him to allow him to be in control. This message was so resounding; I woke the next morning so full of the Holy Spirit I didn’t want to miss out on worship service. The message begins, Who is in control? You or Jesus? Wait? What? Is this really happening right now? Everything I had discussed with Jesus his message was being repeated at Sunday morning service. Jesus knows my heart He knows how I need to hear his message so, why not remind her, “She is not in control I am.”

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV) “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29) Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30) For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
There is a lot of people who face pain, uncertainty, sorrow and those who have great joys to celebrate.
In Matthew Jesus promises there will be rest for the weary. He wants for us to place our burdens on Him and allow him to be in control.
With the pain we feel at times there is no light in the forefront; then I remember the one light I can always count on is the Light of Christ. We must realize through the storm clouds, rain and valleys there is hope with our faith in Christ.
All too often we want to handle the situation on our own. We don’t need help from anyone. But Jesus tells us in verse 29, when we take His yoke upon us and learn from Him our burdens will be light and then we will have rest for our souls. By doing this we will grow spiritually in our relationship with Jesus. He wants that relationship to be at the center of our lives when we do this the burdens, sorrow pain and celebrations in life are shared with Him. Then we praise him in all things good and bad.
Praise Him in the storm; watch the storm clouds clear and see His light; He is always there faithful and true.

Darkness_Light

 

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Scars which Last a Lifetime: Words

Ephesians 4:29-32 (NIV Beautiful Words Bible 2015 Zondervan pg. 1373) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of Malice. 32) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

The emptiness has already consumed her; the goal today was o feel good and beautiful about herself; just a little confidence would go a long way. Each day she would try and look at herself in the mirror before school and tell herself, “I am beautiful!” She would believe it for a moment and then it was gone the emptiness was back. She thought what difference would it make, it didn’t matter what she believed; they always found a way to put her back in place. The harrowing feeling of walking into school each day felt like her form of punishment.

What would it be today? Her skin color, the flash of memory appears. She was maybe in 3rd grade trapped in the bathroom by one of the most popular girls in 3rd grade and being told to go home and have her parents paint her white like the rest of them. She never knew any difference in skin color. She just knew her mother was beautiful and her father was he most handsome man she knew. She snaps back to reality; today is about being a bitch and a whore. As time goes by she comes to the realization it didn’t matter how much she would defend herself; she would never measure up in their eyes.

The more and more she tried to ignore the words the worse they would get. Then it was back to being a wetback, spec, Jehobite slut and on and on… The people please in her personality chose to take it, take the abuse and allow it to consume her. With confidence torn apart and making the worst possible decisions through out high school got her in more trouble with her parents. She eventually allowed men to treat her with disrespect to the point of being abused. She allowed those words to control who she became. Graduation would be the happiest day of life. Or so she thought.

Now time for her to face the adult world. A world which brought her further pain and suffering; she thought the words were bad in high school but she was wrong. the words just cut much deeper. Entering the world of being an adult didn’t help when she looked at herself as being completely broken; unable to stand up for herself. She literally did whatever anyone wanted her to do. If it meant working a certain job which she had no desire to she did it. Oh, they have the most eligible bachelor ready for her to date. She did a good job of hiding the pain if she ever showed a sign of weakness it would be hidden from those who were surrounding her. She would put a smile on her face and proceed on.

She was along enduring constant abuse, who would she turn to. She discovers that if there really was a God she wouldn’t have endured so much pain and suffering only to find herself pregnant; this is going to be one of her greatest challenges being a mom and trying to prevent her children from becoming victims.

Wedding are blissful events; you want to feel good about yourself, there she was walking round with her baby girl and a young man on her other arm as her date. A family  member approached her full of confidence; with a comment that would come back to haunt her not once but twice in her lifetime. “You change boyfriends like you do shirts.” at that moment in time She should have been devastated but in this time she had already endured the worse form of abuse and she needed to be focused for her baby girl so she shrugs it off.

Years later she is going through serious life changes. Her baby girl is no longer a baby, she is now an adult and learning her path on raising a family. She can be described as a real Proverbs 31 wife in her momma’s eyes. When her mom thinks of her daughter she is reminded of Proverbs 31: 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Her mom recalls mentioning time and time again if she only had an ounce of her daughter’s strength what life changing effects there would be. 

November 11, 2006 a day which changed her life forever; the day she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior. That day she would begin her infancy walk with Christ. Ultimately what she didn’t realize was God would use her past to learn from. Granted He knew her past He was with her along the way carrying her when she didn’t realize she needed to be carried.

One big lesson of life she would learn is forgiveness not only giving forgiveness but praying that those she hurt with her words would forgive her.

The words echoing loudly in her mind… they won’t stop…”You change boyfriends like you do shirts.” Those words hurt so badly and years later they echo through her head. Shaking and crying on her knees asking God why? The out loud she is yelling asking God, “why can’t I let this go?” Then she hears her self again feeling of anxiety coursing through her body then the words being spoke out loud as if the person was in the room. She would question to the point of almost breaking down then practically in tears she called her daughter. Tells her the story of the message God was telling her and keeps bring up this one horrible memory.

Then the reality hit home for this mom. Years earlier when her daughter was growing up through the teen age years. She repeated those same words to her daughter. She said to her daughter the exact same phrase word for word, “You change boyfriends just like you do shirts.” Tears flowing down her face she drops to her knees while on the phone she states to her daughter, “I pray one date in time you will forgive me.” Her daughter appreciated her apologizing then the full reality of what God was trying to teach her was revealed.

  1. She needed to forgive the person who made the statement in the first place. We do not need to wait to be asked to forgive. We need to just forgive. Especially if you are a victim. By forgiving we free ourselves from being the victim of abuse.
  2. She needed to ask for forgiveness. Healing begins between the mother and daughter when an acknowledgement of wrong doing has occurred.

So often words are like a double edge sword; the monumental effect words can have on a person can be overwhelming which can carry greater scars because they cut into the heart and mind.

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She Woke Up

Psalms 147: 3 He heals the broken hearted and binds their wounds.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Depression: (Noun) The fear of despondency and dejection

PTSD (Noun) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

The feeling was exhilarating and scary at the same time. The fog lifted; she could see again but what was she seeing for the first time?

A mess left in the quake of her depression. Seeing her children again for the first time in years. What did she miss?

Graduations, weddings, celebrations and births but how could this be? She sees a glimpse of her daughter, the last time she saw her daughter she was about 5 graduating from pre-school. She is wearing the same dress, red, white checkered dress, with the letters A B C across the top. A proud moment; her oldest was going onto kindergarten. Now, her daughter has graduated from high school, married a young Marine; moved away and started a family.. This was only one child; they were three affected by this quake before she knew it the precious eight year old already had his future Military career in the works, she remembers the Lego planes in his bedroom; his dream of being in Air Force and before she knew he was gone. Graduated college and now a striking young officer proudly serving his country. Then the youngest was home; he was thinking what in the world did they do; the left me with her! He had a plan, he found his love at a church event but he heard the call to serve. He wanted to be like those others in our family he wanted to serve so, he joined the Marine Corp and short time later married the love of his life. Sure she was there for the picture moments, the smiles, the congratulations and the “oh how proud you must be” comment from those attending the social events of the year.

She also believed during her darkness she was maintained by a special relationship with Christ. She looks back and sees how He carried her. He held her close in His arms and when the smiled needed to be turned on it was there. He was showing her the way out of the darkness.

The day she woke up and the days to follow it was difficult for her to face. HOW?! WHY?! What in the world happened? The anger to follow “How could you allow this to happen?” Everything was a complete mess; what was she going to do next.

Facing each child and her husband who saw her at her worse yet stood solid as an oak frustrated at times but reassuring her they were not going anywhere.

The fear and anger has her running, the anxiety which pulsated through her body gave her the feeling of fight or flight so she decided she needed to stay strong and fight, the only way she would defeat the demon of depression was to face it. She wouldn’t face it alone but, it would be a challenge. She needed to WAKE UP and face the MESS!

Praying on her knees she asked God to please forgive her; asking for his grace and mercy to bring her comfort. She knows He is her redeemer and savior; He is with her at all times. Even knowing this comes the next part of this battle the anxiety she battles with PTSD, the trauma was real and but the memories are even more haunting; the trauma plays over and over in her mind. She finds at times, her mind has so much control she feels like she is walking around with a mark on her forward or more like a statement that says, “I’m Broke” waiting for repairs” Then the people will come around and pick at her, they pick at the broken parts, she feels uncomfortable when someone compliments her because she believes they have an ulterior motive and not a good one either.

The battle is just beginning for her; she won’t miss another moment of those things that are important to her but, the scars are still there. Not just the emotional scars but the physical scars of her trauma.  But she is not alone, she still has her husband; the standing oak in her corner that no matter how hard she tried to push him away he stood still on shaky ground. She has Christ; when she woke up the fire was reignited in her heart and soul.  Her children, the conversations with her children were the beginning of new memories and them reminding her of the ones she missed; the love and forgiveness which followed. The transformation  was so powerful for the first 5 days she was talking non stop; acquainting herself with those important in her life.

She looks for the signs of Christ in her life. She found them He will place on her heart a scripture one that reminders her that HE is with her. He reminds her the path to healing is also forgiving. What does this mean for her next path; going one by one to those closest to her and asking for forgiveness.  Working through hard work with therapy and identifying who she is for the first time. Not being defined by one tragic moment or several moments in history. But, by shedding the anger, bitterness and learning to combat the negative with the good.

She will walk with the diagnosis of Depression, Social Anxiety and PTSD however she will not allow it to define who she is as a person! She takes the courage and face each day with love and joy in her life. Not taking another moment for granted.

 

 

 

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She Will Find Him

Isaiah 58:11 (NIV)

The Lord will guide you always; 

        he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land 

        and will strengthen your frame. 

You will be like a well watered garden, 

        like a spring whose water never fail.

As I read this scripture I am going to tell a story; she was looking for the one thing only the Lord could give her. She finds the strength she needs by finding unconditional love of her 3 children and a man the Lord brought into her life.

The Lord will guide you always;

She was young on the inside she always had so much turmoil. She always looked up to the only man she knew in her life for reassurance; her father. Whenever she thought she was on the verge of winning favor the little confidence she did have it was taken away. Apparently it was felt taking away confidence in a young eager to please child was a way to build character.

One day she would become a mom. She would  work hard to be a mom who builds character and not tear down. But what she didn’t realize was she wouldn’t be alone raising her three children; a very precocious eight year old would introduce Christ to her and her sons. By following her daughter’s lead she would learn to allow the Lord to guide her in life.

He will satisfy your needs in the sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.

Tired and emotionally exhausted; every muscle ached, she had no where else to draw strength; three little ones looked so lovingly in her eyes eager to have some undivided attention. In this moment she drifts away dreaming of a time there would be another in her life; someone who was strong and would be an example to her children of what unconditional love really means. 

She was alone, no faith and her trust account was empty. Anyone she would or could turn to found one way or another to hurt her. When she looked into her she daughter’s hazel eyes; she would pray for the day she would be a strong young woman; she would find the true meaning of love. Her mom couldn’t teach her afterall, what did she know of love. She was broken; she would work day and night to provide to the point at times she would feel like the sun-scorched land. 

She would be saved, she learned to become the strong woman her children could look up to and be proud to call mom. The Lord knew she was tired; she knew the only place to draw strength from was the Lord. He was able to give her new life with this new found relationship. Now she remembers even though she is tired the Lord has given her renewed strength to rise above and trust him.

You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose water never fails.

As she continues to grow and walk in her faith; she reflects on the moment she is reminded that no matter the luggage life has brought her;  in her heart she loves her children and strives to be the best mother to those 3 little ones.

At the time she doesn’t realize God would introduce her to a man who would walk with her in her relationship with Christ and join her in raising her 3 little ones. He developed an unconditional love for her along with her children. He would become this example of what love looks like; through the good and bad. He would be the example to her sons on what love should look like for the day when they would decide to marry.  He would build character in her children; teach them the bible along with history. So on those long strenuous days he would build her up and pick up the slack. He eventually becomes a second rock in her life. He leads by example, reminds her of how important she is not only in his life but in the life of 3 little children.  The Lord allowed him to bring life back into her, finally she learned about true love.

No matter the road she was on, she allowed God to guide her. He made her stronger by satisfying her needs. As she continues to satisfy her thirst for the word of the Lord she will continue to be awakened and grow like the garden.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)

Though one may be overpowered,

  Two can defend themselves.

A cord of  three strands is not quickly broken.

Hands wrapped by a piece of cloth reminds us as long as they are walking with Christ hand in hand no man can separate.